Let Me Tell You About the Time

We all had sex on Bee's bed.

All, as in me, Number 2, Chief and Boss. Next up are Mogwog and Kaggle.

In honor of Bee's birthday that I forgot (technically I didn't; I just didn't realize it was the 26th and not the 25th when I called), this week's Family CUNT will recount the story of how Bee's bed became "the sex den."

Once upon a time, Number 2 suffered a MAJOR lapse in judgment--and we're talking like the time you cheated on your wife with that hooker and took pictures with your camera phone, and left your phone open on the kitchen table. This misfortune befell Number 2 when he was just 18 and met a girl named Moose.

Number 2 and Moose were pretween twat lovers from a distance and couldn't spend a lot of time together, so MM allowed Moose to spend the weekend at our house. I was already in college (read: when MM & Cement Hands bought the new house, they didn't think I needed a bedroom) and didn't even spend so much as the first summer at home, but I WAS there for this weekend.

Scene: Number 2 kills the engine on his Slederon and "We Might As Well Be Strangers" fades out. Yes, for the record, you listened to some pretty gay music. Moose follows his car into the driveway in her--can I say it? She's going to know I'm talking about her anyway, so sure--apple green VW Beetle. At this point I am convinced that the reason my brother had a Brooklyn fade and was listening to Keane was all because of this little fag hag.

Moose wasn't prepared for the visit and didn't have a bathing suit. Cue MM to lend her one of Bee's, even though she is about 350lbs heavier than all of us combined--all of us meaning me, Number 2, Bee, Chief, Boss, Mogwog, Kaggle, MM, Cement Hands, and Nickel. Number 2 claims that she wasn't fat [and a slut] when he met her, but I remember trying on that bathing suit after Moose wore it--and this was after my freshman fifteen--and looking like a Somalian refugee in a tee-shirt from the Good Will bin.

Later on that day, after frolicking in the pool and disappearing for a while, Moose went home and MM called Number 2 into her bedroom.

"Your sister said you have some explaining to do," she said.

Turns out, Bee went into her bedroom after Moose's visit to find rumpled sheets reeking of sex, and a pillow wedged between her headboard and mattress. Number 2 confessed that he shot the Moose with a loaded gun, knocking her out with a bullet between the eyes.

This incident began the tradition of having sex on Bee's bed. The first time I spent the weekend in her bedroom with BMW, I felt bad even thinking about sexing on her bed because of what our brother had done. However, my hands and knees were getting rug burn while on the floor trying to be a conscientious sister, so we joined the bandwagon and christened the bed.

Next was Boss, and then Chief--all before Bee herself finally sealed the deal. We like to say that's because she was adopted, but I'll save that story for another Family CUNT.