Retard Rage

--Number Two

This is to be considered an interpretive account of retard rage. DYFS [Division of Youth and Family Services], if you're reading this, just consider this uncorroborated testimony. Besides, you already have so many other reasons to split up our dysfunctional fucking family :)

If you've read the previous family C-U-Next-Tuesdays, you know of Frick and Frack. But for this story, I am going to refer to them as Chief and Boss, the nicknames that were supposed to be universal for them because Uncle Dave (Uncle D) couldn't tell them apart.

Being twins, Chief and Boss have had a long history of violence from one another, stemming from that one time that Boss stepped on Chief's throat on his way out the womb in an attempt to win the ultimate victory of being born first (congrats, Ry). It was all downhill from there. They would punch each other, kick each other, bite each other, throw one another down the stairs, etc. Watching them fight was like watching R-rated movies as a kid - I could never look away because I didn't want to miss the point where the people in the movies would rip each others' clothes off and go at it--except in this scene, they'd proceed to beat the piss out of one another, and instead of having sex, one would start crying and the other would end up standing with his face in the corner somewhere, praying the rosary as punishment. And Mom wonders why we hate going to church.

This particular story centers around one specific fight over who-the-fuck-knows-what at our second house. They agree that it was over a game of chess, but both claim that it was the other who cheated. At this point, Ryan was the one who instigated the violence. He decided to pull his belt off and go old-school on Boss's ass. Boss, seeing this was going to escalate to an ass-whooping contest, decided to kick it up a notch, tormenting him all the while by laughing in his face. Boss runs to the kitchen and grabs the scissors that you can split apart and use as daggers. See, Mom? We did learn something from Mortal Kombat!

So Boss thinks he's gonna slash Chief a new mouth in his stomach like the liquid antagonist in Terminator 2, but Chief knows better. He's faster, and his whip-belt has much more range than Boss's step-above-prison-shanks. While fighting on the stairs, Chief lashes out at Boss's face. Trying to protect the beautiful visage that had already been scarred by CatMo [another story, coming soon], Boss quickly turns around. Wrong idea.

While still on the bottom stair, Chief jumps on Boss's back, applying the rear naked choke to his throat (deadly). Boss must retaliate and get Chief off his back, or he will pass out. In a completely idiotic fashion, Boss's eyes roll back in his head like Satan, he begins to scream in tongues, and flails his arms as he does a backwards run into the wall behind him. Sure enough, Boss smashes Chief up against the wall, and Chief falls away from the choke. And sure enough, that wall is made of sheetrock. Actually, let me rephrase that: that wall WAS made of sheetrock. After the rear naked choke attack, there was gaping hole the size of Greenland in it.

Since neither myself nor E were home to referee the Ultimate Fighting Championship, Bee panicked and put in a phone call to E:

Bee: Oh em gee, E, Ryan and Kyle just put a hole in the wall!
E falls out of desk chair and rolls around laughing on dorm room floor.
E: What do you mean by "hole?"
Bee: A fucking hole, with his back.
E laughs more.
E: What happened, exactly?
Bee: Well, Ryan went after Kyle with a belt and Kyle grabbed scissors and pulled them apart and went at Ryan with them like knives--
[more laughter]
Bee: And then Kyle jumped on Ryan's back, and Ryan ran around screaming because Kyle was trying to choke him--
[E is crying]
Bee: So then Ryan slammed backwards into the wall to get him off, and now there's a big hole.
After laughter subsides, E says: Uh, so, what do you want me to do about this?

Well, there was nothing E could do, because at that very minute, MM came home and saw the sheetrock that used to divide the hallway and the bathroom.

As punishment, Chief and Boss had to buy Plaster of Paris and the other materials, as well as pay Cement Hands for labor to fix the wall. They also had to sit and watch him do it.

This, my friends, is not the only instance of violence. This incident was just the beginning of Retard Rage.

(note: picture is just an example. actual hole size was...as big as a twelve-year-old.)