All in the Family

Disclaimer: if Aunt J or any of her immediate family members are reading this, you know that what I'm about to say is 100% true and can in no way be considered defamatory--you've ruined your own reputations, I'm merely reporting them.

I recently thought of my family's history of breeding delinquency after reading Velvet's latest post. In comparing our families, hers consists of Oldest, Older, and Velvet, with two well-matched Greek parents (read: eccentric, somewhat similar to those depicted in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but way cooler and nuanced, I imagine) who are still concerned with her well-being, bringing 27 boxes of tissues (because she needs something to clean up after her dogs knock over "china" mid coitus).

Velvet's family, stereotyped: Oldest brother: the caring, responsible, and forgiving eldest son who hosts Older brother for the weekend, a narcissistic well-to-do writer who knows everything about nothing, the least of which is the meaning of family. Velvet's the baby but an achiever at the very least, a sex goddess at the best--unaware of "feminism" because it never entered her mind that women should do anything other than what they want. Velvet, you, too, are my official girl crush.

Anyway, Velvet's story left me wondering what role one's family fills. In my family, there's been a long battle against becoming "one of them." We've made examples out of the screw ups: we've come to refer to Kait's (my youngest sister) tendency to leave the table immediately after dinner (in an attempt to avoid cleaning up) as "pulling an Aunt J." Similarly, when Kait started slacking off in school and nearly failed English, we told her she was going to be a dropout like Aunt J's kids--in an effort to remind her what she didn't want to be.

When Number 2 had a brief stint selling drugs out of MM's car, I told him he was going to end up in jail, like Jailbirds 1 & 2.

Basically, any time one of my siblings has screwed up or moved toward making a bad decision, we remind them of what could happen if they don't shape up.

Now, for the things you can't make up (or can't you?): E's (maternal) family, the numerous, birth-control resistant, sloppy Irish Catholics. I thought a diagram would be easiest, so I spent two hours fucking around in Excel for you. Enjoy it.

Basically, we look like this on my mom's side:
Gram & Pop had 4 kids: Aunt J, MM (my mom, aka Milk Maker), Uncle N and Uncle D. The delinquency, while not restricted to my mom's side, is concentrated in Aunt J's family.

Aunt J: let's see. Was into alternative religious practices when she was 16, and went from Catholicism to Shamanism to Wicca. Four kids with three different men. Smokes pot with her kids, dresses like she's a teenager and wears belly shirts. Has no life. Husband is a drug addict and only ONE of her kids graduated from high school.


Step-uncle: hair is past his ass. Like his wife, is still stuck in 1990, when it was cool for girls to wear huge bell bottoms and for guys to have long hair and wear Mega Death t-shirts. This is the uncle who, under the pretense of fixing my brother's computer, came into our house and stole MM's jewelry. He promptly left town for Colorado and pawned the jewelry for drug money.

Kid A: fairly normal; family overachiever because not only did he graduate high school, he went on to college (never finished). Stellar athlete and drummer. However, Aunt J couldn't afford/be bothered with a deaf child, so she passed him off onto my grandmother at a young age. This is probably the only reason he went as far as he did. Now that Gram has passed away, he's been without a steady job and was, at one point, asking my mom what to do about the rumors surrounding his girlfriend being pregnant with another guy's kid.

Jailbird 1: slightly more decent than the rest of his family. Having a[n illegitimate] kid has cleaned him up; basically, he was an addict at one point and is now claiming he's clean (marijuana not included).

Jailbird 2: Aunt J never wanted her. Seriously--'bird 2 would come over to our house crying, asking to live with us. On and off she did. Perhaps the biggest screw up in the family: tried to get away from hard drugs at 19ish so she came to live with us. Took my mother's car before she even had a license, let her friend smoke crack in the car in front of me, stole my then-eleven-year-old brother's Timbaland boots (for skiing) because they were "mad gangsta," and she and her white friends needed to be chill, yo. After my mom reluctantly kicked her out, stole an ambulance because there was heroin in it. Went to jail, got out on probation. Got pregnant, got thrown back in jail, let out again to deliver baby. Skipped town and left baby with paternal side. Baby's around four now. 'Bird is currently 24 and dating a 17 year old who she met through her younger sister, the Future Jailbird/Vampire.


Future Jailbird/Vampire: went through a phase where she was really active on VampireFreaks.com. Vowed she'd never be like her siblings, yet is an avid pot smoker and high school dropout. Also has had several assisted miscarriages. Our family now has a running joke that in addition to the numerous (once monthly) collect calls we've gotten over the years from Jailbirds 1 & 2, we expect to get one from the Future 'bird. Our stepdad, Cement Hands, even does the impression of the operator saying "you have a collect call from: [insert family member here]."

So, kids, next time you think about smoking a cigarette or stealing something--as small as a twenty from Gram's purse, or as big as an ambulance--just remember: you could end up with a meth face, hiding from parole for the rest of your life.

But honestly, Aunt J, you and your kids are the reason why I've always had really, really safe sex, so thanks for that, at least.