What NOT to name your kids

For some odd reason, BMW & I have been discussing baby names lately. Maybe it's because every time I see a kid, I decide that I'd rather have dogs; maybe it's because I'm a big fan of my "I hate your kids" t-shirt that BMW got me; maybe it's just because as the oldest of seven kids, I've decided not to punish mine by popping out slaves left and right. Or maybe I've been thinking about baby names because I read Perez Hilton multiple times a day, and in doing so I've become aware of all these celebrities having babies.

Not only are their kids consuming valuable air supply and giving way to crises like childhood obesity, but these kids (or their parents) are perpetuating the stupid trend of giving one's kids really "unique" (read: dumb) names. For some reason, people think it's "cool" to name their kid something obscure. It makes them "individual." You know what, you fucking hipster? Go get a book of baby names and pick something NORMAL for your kid instead of naming him Parker or Giles or Weston, or something ubiquitous like MADISON.

Madison. "Son of Matthew." Well, that's pretty unique, I have to admit. Why not just go around calling your kid "son?" It's just about the same fucking thing, in terms of originality. Appropriately enough, I'm finding that a lot of yuppies are perpetuating this trend--using surnames as first names because it sounds cool. Leave it to them to set the trends.

Unfortunately, however, some celebs have gotten hold of this notion as well, and haven't helped with the abolition of the idea: Madonna with Lourdes, Halle Berry with Nahla, Gwyneth Paltrow with her retarded first name and her daughter, Apple.

Maybe it takes one to know one--after all, their names are equally lame. Demi Moore, for example. I mean, what the fuck? Your name means HALF. At least give your kids something you never got growing up--the dignity of a normal name, instead of going with "Rumer," "Talulah," and "Scout." And Vanilla Ice: resist the urge to give your next offspring rapper names like you did with the other two (Dusti Raine and Keelee Breeze? Seriously?).

Attention, soon-to-be-parents: if you haven't learned anything from my blog about how not to raise your kids, at least know that you should consider the following:

The following politically inspired names are off limits:

• Che
  
• Benedict
• Jackson
• Quincy
• Quincy Adams
• Clinton
• Bush
• Gore
• Cheney
• Reagan

Democrat or Republican, you are still going to look like a douche for naming your kid something like Carter or Jefferson.

If, in naming your child, you lean toward naming your kid something that will indicate middle-class stature, you are not, in fact, middle-class. You are white trash. Stay away from these names:

• Cooper
• Reginald
• Dunston
• Eugenia
• Weatherby
• Walker

And do not even think of naming your kid after any boarding schools:

• Peddie
• Kent
• Taft
• Maxwell

Be advised that you should also steer clear of naming your child after a food, color, or religion (Ham, Blue, Christian, etc).

Also, it's pretty weak to give your kid two first names. Think of your kid going for a job interview twenty years from now and introducing herself as "Princess Tiaamii" or "Jane Day."

Naming your kids after cities you've lived in isn't cool, and neither is naming them after your favorite things. Do you have names on your list like "Brooklyn," "Paris," or "London?" Cross them off. Same goes for things like "Blanket" and "Mercedes," and "Kal-el" (Superman's birth name).

Also to be avoided are:
Paula Yates babies' names.
Side note: I'm kind of ashamed for linking to a side called "Find a Death," but it proves my point that sane people don't name their kids any of the following:

• Fifi Trixibelle
• Peaches Honeyblossom
• Little Pixie
• Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily

Robert Rodriguez's kids' names:

• Rocket Valentin
• Racer Maximilliano
• Rebel Antonio
• Rogue

Or any other dumbass names that celebrities picked:

• Alcamy (Lance Henriksen)
• Free (Barbara Hershey)
• Banjo (Rachel Griffiths)
• Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Jillette)
• and as awesome as Frank Zappa is, Dweezil, Moon Unit, and Diva Muffin are not real world names.

Happy birthing!