Note: that Briana Banks pic is for you, Velvet.
E has a big family. Her mother was pretty much pregnant from 1985 (Back to the Future) to
1995 (Toy Story). Seven children has got to take a toll on a woman's "equipment", and if you have seen the way this family attacks the dinner table - "RYAN! If you don't stop beating those fucking drums in the next five minutes there isn't going to be any more ravioli left!" - said equipment could probably have been featured in National Geographic's annual "Droopers of the Third World" edition.Needless to say, after feeding the whole clan (with all three boys over 6 feet tall), "Milkmaker" could have been a continental soldier (wait for it, wait for it, ok laugh). I have a theory that at this point, women do one of three things -
1) They forsake all bras, stop shaving their legs and move onto nudist communes;
2) They strap those bitches up like Yentl and forget they have them; and
3) They make an appointment with Drs. McNamara and Troy staple those babies back on their chest where they belong.
MM went with route 3. She didn't just stop with a little lift though, oh no, she decided to go the whole 9 yards and became the proud owner of "Real American Breasts" (courtesy of her cement hands husband). At the prime age of 44, MM decided that she wanted to be Stifler's mom - I am not going to call her a MILF for the obvious, nauseating repercussions of that acronym.
E does not fall very far from the tree, and all of her readers should be aware of the "sexual" aspects of her personality. MM likes to show off her new sweater kittens (thankfully I have not been asked to touch or look at sans covering), and she likes, well, she likes cement hands.
The punch line of this ramble is such - One morning during one of our semi-regular visits to the beach, I walked downstairs for coffee and was greeted by MM and the girls, in a lacy, diaphanous, goddamn see-through red night gown. Glib as I am in the morning pre-caffeine, I said "Nice sleepwear, MM", and straight-faced she simply replied, "oh its not sleepwear, its more like fuckerwear."
Indeed.
8 comments:
You should understand males are easily distracted and unlikely to read this article to completion. I suggest quizzing the reader on the content, and only after submitting correct answers is he rewarded with the illustration used in conjunction with your mention of cosmetic surgery.
Love MM. Bring her to Pennsyltuckey too.
Didn't she make a similar comment in front of BMW once?
I got thrown out of a bar for taking pictures of Brianna, who was stripping. Had I known I could just take pictures of your mom, that would have saved me a lot of man-handling that night.
Anon: I know where you work and can get you in trouble by posting pictures of breasts on your cubicle.
Sixes: MM would probably not let me go if she knew what I was up to.
Velvet: re-read the post, paying special attention to the italics right above the Note to you. And I'm pretty sure my mom wouldn't strip--at least not at a bar. You'll have to wait to hear about what my siblings found on her digital camera.
Well, bitch, that's where I got confused. I see his little byline up there, however, it's written from your viewpoint. Christ. Who the hell let you into an MFA program??? Bylines sort of have to match POV. Just sayin.
Wait. I amend that. I read the whole thing as you writing about yourself but in 3rd person, and trying to rectify how on earth BMW (who has the byline) would be privy to all the childhood knowledge.
Got it. Trying to confuse me with your Blackmarket voodoo.
More boobs please.
Post breasts in my cubicle? “Please, Mister Wolf, don't throw me into the briar patch! Anything but the briar patch!”
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