How to scam a moron out of a perfectly fine computer

Maybe I shouldn't be the one to give this lecture, as I've previously owned and subsequently spilled liquid on three laptops before getting my MacBook. But, since I have the iSkin silicone keyboard protector, I'm gonna go ahead and judge all you idiots who type with a drink next to your computer.

This past weekend, my boyfriend stumbled upon a Facebook post by a Georgetown student who was selling her MacBook. He didn't need a computer, but my brother Chief has a collection in his bedroom that has brought out the entrepreneur in him; he recently rented his boss a laptop for her business trip, and has since broadened his clientele base so as not to exclude his fellow classmates.

With Chief in mind, my man and I headed to Georgetown's main campus, wondering why Victoria was selling her MacBook. Maybe her parents decided that since she was such a perfect spoiled angel, they should continue the trend they'd begun in childhood of buying her a new toy for absolutely no reason, so they bought her a new computer. Wrong. Victoria was being rewarded for fucking up. Not only did she spill on her laptop, but she didn't even need to sell it. The only reason why she was giving it up for $600 was because the left and right arrow keys would no longer work, as well as the Shift + R function, due to a mishap with coffee during a study session. Besides the fact that there are TWO shift keys on a MacBook keyboard, and that no one ever uses their arrow keys, no logical reason existed as to why Victoria should sell her laptop, other than for us to exploit her lack of intellect.

Fast forward to my brother Chief's bedroom. I was afraid that once we got home, my boyfriend would take apart the computer and fix it, and then would realize, the same way Chief did, that most people were stupid and didn't know that they could fix computer problems themselves instead of paying $500 to Comp USA. I was afraid that he would realize this, and then hunt Craigslist for spare parts and keyboards, filling up the desk with 19 monitors. Our apartment would remain at 105 degrees at all times because of the numerous computers running, and he'd soon be able to type 135 words per minute with 100% accuracy! From then on, he'd be known as E's Boyfriend, the Libido Crusher.

When we saw the computer, he noticed the cracked plastic on the edge of the hand-rest--the same design flaw Apple had recently repaired on his own MacBook. Thoughts fled past his eyes, invisible to the vapid and materialistic Victoria, reading: I can fix this computer!

First question: "Did you bring it into the Apple store?"
Victoria: "Yeah, but since I spilled on it, they said they wouldn't touch it." As a three-time reigning champion of the "How to Ruin a Computer" awards, I possess the inside knowledge that laptops don't take kindly to Cosmopolitans, Cabernets, or Bacardi & Sprites. I barely managed to withold my surprise when I heard that Victoria made the tactical error of telling the Genius Bar that the malfunction involved liquid.

Second question (after we gave her the $600): "Did you know that if you bring it into the Apple store, they'd probably fix the crack AND replace the keyboard?"
Victoria: "I did not. BUT it was Christmas, and my parents were kind. I'm kind of spoiled."

I had sunglasses on, so she couldn't see me roll my eyes at that obvious statement.

There was something like a twinkle in my boyfriend's eye when he turned to me, a secret shared between us that said "I've now brought it to her attention that I'm about to scam her out of $600 bucks." Not like she needed the money--she was only a junior, and even if she graduated in a year, her trust fund probably matures when she's twenty-five, giving her another three years to freeload at her parents' house before dipping into her own pocket.

Third question: "What kind of child-spoiling parents wouldn't buy Apple Care?"
Victoria: "I don't ask questions; I'm just a dumb bitch."

The dumb bitch somehow managed to switch out the memory, and what used to be a 2gb laptop was now sadly a 1gb. Not like I understand what that means.

We brought it home and I watched in dismay as he took the computer apart, shouting with glee that the logic board was undamaged, which meant the keyboard should work fine if replaced. He cleaned up the coffee stains with a Q-tip (my suggestion) so that Apple wouldn't see the residue and renege.

72 hours after the acquisition of Victoria's laptop, during which I felt markedly more retarded, I received a phone call at 12pm today: "SUCCESS!"

Apple fixed the computer. The keyboard works, and my boyfriend is going to sell his old laptop and make a $200 profit.

Note: if you, too, are interested in how to scam innocent rich girls out of their parents' money, feel free to contact my boyfriend at No.Remorse@gmail.com. Please allow three to five business days for a response, as he is currently preoccupied with converting his white color scheme to a black one.