Feeling like a freak on a leash...?

This morning at my 9 to 5, while chilling out in my J. Crew button-down and Uggs and drinking my coffee, I glanced around my shared office and smiled. I'm pretty happy about where I work: I can show up in jeans, throw my hair in a bun, walk around in socks. Some coworkers elect to tread barefoot, and some even wear socks with Teva's (not mentioning any names). Aside from an unhealthy obsession with Apple, I'd consider it a relatively conservative environment. Upon relishing the conventional bliss, I came across several (for lack of a better, non-discriminating term) "interesting" concepts.

The first item is the Medusa "object." Technically, Oakley markets the "object" as a hat. However, it struck me that either I am sheltered beyond the point of assimilation into modern culture, or American past times have taken a turn for the worse. What would one possibly use this $500 hat for? I imagined. Aside from thinking, "Sweet, I'm dressing up as Ricky Williams for Halloween," my mind was blank. "Robbing banks/murdering families," a cohort suggested. And actually, that seemed like a viable alternative. I was planning on forwarding the link to Alon, a friend with an uncanny ability to discover other anomalies. When I visited his page, I came across the second object: people leashes.

Alon found an article about a goth couple who were kicked off a bus because the guy led his girlfriend in tow via a chain around her neck. Apparently, it wasn't the complaints from the passengers that got them kicked off; the bus driver felt that in the event stopping short, slamming on the brakes could pose a threat to the girlfriend's neck. I tried to remain open-minded about people leashing; after all, I've seen parents strap their kids into harnesses with bungee cord leashes (and have proceeded to point, laugh, and take pictures). I can't remain impartial with this. Who allows herself to be led around by her boyfriend? On a CHAIN? Granted, he claims to love her, and even implies that the leash is necessary: "She's very animal like, she's kind of like a pet, as well as a partner." Aside from that haggard look on her face, I guess she kind of does look like a minx.

Jeremy and wondered about the use of a lead, as well as other devices. "What is that fetish called where you wear a saddle and fake hooves and a bridle?" he asked.

Umm. Sexual deviancy. Seriously, does that shit exist?

Sadly, yes. Or, happily, yes, depending on whether you prefer being the dom or the sub. It's called Pony Play, and Trigger, the Human Equine, is just one patron of the fetish. Horsing around aside, he devotes his time to saddling up and trotting around with mistresses on his shoulders. He writes about first discovering Pony Play after Elvis died, a time that caused him to read a lot of magazines (awkward segue not my fault). Anyway, he came across an article about women in upstate New York who kept men and women as slaves, using their faces for seat cushions and the like. This notion turned him on, and soon he became a slave himself, calling himself a "pony slut." Jumping around in assless chaps with a broad on your shoulders whipping your behind doesn't seem like a horse-load of fun; all things considered, though, Trigger maintains a healthy sense of humor. He lists mistresses who've ridden him in the past, but is quick to mention that he's not diligent with his record-keeping; mistresses are sometimes reluctant to give their names. "And if I did get the name," he says, "remembering it is even harder (horse sense = no memory LOL)." I swear I didn't add that last part.

With a list of more than one hundred women, there seems to be a demand for pony play. Honestly, after watching CSI episodes about Furries and mascot sex, I shouldn't be surprised that something like Pony Play exists. I don't want to imagine what's next, because I have a feeling the next picture up on Trigger's web page will feature the Medusa hat and a chain leash. God knows some Brazilian already tried making pornos about shit-eaters. I'll just stick to my Jack Johnson-listening, apple-and-peanut-butter eating, prefer-to-be-on-top routine. Doggy-style is as adventurous as I'm gonna get for now.